Well This Is Just Awesome

catsnotcancer:

My left arm hurts.  I discussed it with the Maestro yesterday - I have a new cord (look up “fascial cording” if you need a further explanation) and it runs all the way down to my damn wrist.  But my hand is numb, my arm aches and it’s a bit swollen.  So I am being scheduled to go in for more PT and lymphatic massage  -and, I am assuming, to assess if I may have lymphedema (which is basically swelling caused by the removal of lymph nodes - it can be horrifically painful if you don’t catch it early - and if I have it I will need to wear a lovely *NOT* compression sleeve in order to get it under control). 

But - of course - I am convinced it’s cancer.  Because after you have been diagnosed with cancer and done a shitload of treatment (which I am still doing) - you automatically assume that any ache, pain, spasm, twitch, or glitch is cancer.  I had a great talk with one of my doctors about all of this yesterday.  And she assured me this kind of thinking is not abnormal for cancer patients and survivors.  Cancer is a traumatic life event and dealing with the aftermath of it can be as painful as dealing with the disease itself.  Sometimes moreso. 

There is no guidebook on how to move on after cancer or any other debilitating disease.  No rules.  No cut sheet with a list of “to do’s”.  There is advice - sure.  But often that advice is coming from someone who hasn’t even ever had cancer.  And as a young person dealing with this kind of diagnosis, I have (hopefully) many years of fear and worry ahead of me. 

But I hope there are days ahead of me when I don’t jump to the absolute worst conclusion when something hurts.  Because - let’s face it - as we get older, shit starts to hurt.  But right now, everything is cancer.  And it’s awful.  Just absolutely awful. 

This. Just this. I spent a LOT of my time in Norway freaking out because I thought I could feel lumps under my ribs and in my abdomen. I actually considered, and had a long talk over dinner with my family, getting on a plane and flying home just to get a scan and put my mind at rest.

Even now I’m in all clear territory, my throat hurts and the back of my mind goes “maybe it’s that lymph node in your neck” or my abdomen is stiff, and I think something has gone wrong with the scar. And when I’m tired when I come home in the evening I wonder if I have good enough reason to be tired or maybe the fatigue is creeping back in.

Stupid thoughts.

On the topic of compression gear, I’m in a compression sock for 6 months, wooo. Fortunately it’s the winter months, but wearing a very tight stocking that takes 5 minutes and lots of struggling to put on ain’t great. But at least I got purple ones! Usually only for private patients but I asked nicely. Was given an amusing leaflet with pictures like these to illustrate the fabulous range of colours on offer :P

(via catsnotcancer-deactivated201205)

thescarswillfade:

Alternatives to Self Harm

Disclaimer:
Below is a list of things to do instead of cutting, burning, bruising, or any other form of self harm. Please keep in mind that unfortunately, not everything on this list will work for everyone. So, if you try something and it doesn’t work for you, don’t get discouraged! Some of these choices are complicated, and you might want to utilize the help of a therapist or trusted friend when undertaking them. Recovery is not a process that can be walked through alone, so don’t be afraid to reach out for help.

Alternatives for when you’re feeling angry or restless:

• Scribble on photos of people in magazines
• Viciously stab an orange
• Throw an apple/pair of socks against the wall
• Have a pillow fight with the wall
• Scream very loudly
• Tear apart newspapers, photos, or magazines
• Go to the gym, dance, exercise
• Listen to music and sing along loudly
• Draw a picture of what is making you angry
• Beat up a stuffed bear
• Pop bubble wrap
• Pop balloons
• Splatter paint
• Scribble on a piece of paper until the whole page is black
• Filling a piece of paper with drawing cross hatches
• Throw darts at a dartboard
• Go for a run
• Write your feelings on paper then rip it up
• Use stress relievers
• Build a fort of pillows and then destroy it
• Throw ice cubes at the bathtub wall, at a tree, etc
• Get out a fine tooth comb and vigorously brush the fur of a stuffed animal (but use gentle vigor)
• Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock
• Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at; cut and tear it instead of yourself
• Flatten aluminium cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go
• On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture
• Break sticks
• Cut up fruits
• Make yourself as comfortable as possible
• Stomp around in heavy shoes
• Play handball or tennis
• Yell at what you are breaking and tell it why you are angry, hurt, upset, etc.
• Buy a cheap plate and decorate it with markers, stickers, cut outs from magazines, words, images, what ever that expresses your pain and sadness and when you’re done, smash it. (Please be careful when doing this)

Alternatives that will give you a sensation (other than pain) without harming yourself:

• Hold ice in your hands, against your arm, or in your mouth
• Run your hands under freezing cold water
• Snap a rubber band or hair band against your wrist
• Clap your hands until it stings
• Wax your legs
• Drink freezing cold water
• Splash your face with cold water
• Put PVA/Elmer’s glue on your hands then peel it off
• Massage where you want to hurt yourself
• Take a hot shower/bath
• Jump up and down to get some sensation in your feet
• Write or paint on yourself
• Arm wrestle with a member of your family
• Take a cold bath
• Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root
• Rub liniment under your nose
• Put tiger balm on the places you want to cut. (Tiger balm is a muscle relaxant cream that induces a tingly sensation. You can find it in most health food stores and vitamin stores.)

Alternatives that will distract you or take up time:

• Say “I’ll self harm in fifteen minutes if I still want to” and keep going for periods of fifteen minutes until the urge fades
• Color your hair
• Count up to ten getting louder until you are screaming
• Sing on the karaoke machine
• Complete something you’ve been putting off
• Take up a new hobby
• Make a cup of tea
• Tell and laugh at jokes
• Play solitaire
• Count up to 500 or 1000
• Surf the net
• Make as many words out of your full name as possible
• Count ceiling tiles or lights
• Search ridiculous things on the web
• Colour coordinate your wardrobe
• Play with toys, such as a slinky
• Go to the park and play on the swings
• Call up an old friend
• Go “people watching”
• Carry safe, rather than sharp, things in your pockets
• Do school work
• Play a musical instrument
• Watch TV or a movie
• Paint your nails
• Alphabetize your CDs or books
• Cook
• Make origami to occupy your hands
• Doodle on sheets of paper
• Dress up or try on old clothes
• Play computer games or painting programs, such as photoshop
• Write out lyrics to your favorite song
• Play a sport
• Read a book/magazine
• Do a crossword
• Draw a comic strip
• Make a chain link out of paper counting the hours or days you’ve been self harm free using pretty colored paper
• Knit, sew, or make a necklace
• Make ‘scoobies’ - braid pieces of plastic or lace, to keep your hands busy
• Buy a plant and take care of it
• Hunt for things on eBay or Amazon
• Browse the forums
• Go shopping
• Memorize a poem with meaning
• Learn to swear in another language
• Look up words in a dictionary
• Play hide-and-seek with your siblings
• Go outside and watch the clouds roll by
• Plan a party
• Find out if any concerts will be in your area
• Make your own dance routine
• Trace your hand on a piece of paper; on your thumb, write something you like to look at; on your index finger, write something you like to touch; on your middle finger, write your favorite scent; on your ring finger, write something you like the taste of; on your pinky finger, write something you like to listen to; on your palm, write something you like about yourself
• Plan regular activities for your most difficult time of day
• Finish homework before it’s due
• Take a break from mental processing
• Notice black and white thinking
• Get out on your own, get away from the stress
• Go on YouTube
• Make a scrapbook
• Colour in a picture or colouring book.
• Make a phone list of people you can call for support. Allow yourself to use it.
• Pay attention to your breathing (breath slowly, in through your nose and out through your mouth)
• Pay attention to the rhythmic motions of your body (walking, stretching, etc.)
• Learn HALT signals (hungry, angry, lonely, tired)
• Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses for it
• Pick a subject and research it on the web - alternatively, pick something to research and then keep clicking on links, trying to get as far away from the original topic as you can.
• Take a small step towards a goal you have.

Alternatives that are completely bizarre. At the least, you’ll have a laugh:

• Crawl on all fours and bark like a dog or another animal
• Run around outside screaming
• Laugh for no reason whatsoever
• Make funny faces in a mirror
• Without turning orange, self tan
• Pluck your eyebrows
• Put faces on apples, oranges, or other sorts of food
• Go to the zoo and name all of the animals
• Color on the walls
• Blow bubbles
• Pull weeds in the garden

Alternatives for when you’re feeling guilty, sad, or lonely:

• Congratulate yourself on each minute you go without self harming
• Draw or paint
• Look at the sky
• Instead of punishing yourself by self harming, punish yourself by not self harming
• Call a friend and ask for company
• Buy a cuddly toy
• Give someone a hug with a smile
• Put a face mask on
• Watch a favorite TV show or movie
• Eat something ridiculously sweet
• Remember a happy moment and relive it for a while in your head
• Treat yourself to some chocolate
• Try to imagine the future and plan things you want to do
• Look at things that are special to you
• Compliment someone else
• Make sculptures
• Watch fish
• Let yourself cry
• Play with a pet
• Have or give a massage
• Imagine yourself living in a perfect home and describe it in your mind
• If you’re religious, read the bible or pray
• Light a candle and watch the flame (but please be careful)
• Go chat in the chat room
• Allow yourself to cry; crying is a healthy release of emotion
• Accept a gift from a friend
• Carry tokens to remind you of peaceful comforting things/people
• Take a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles
• Curl up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book
• Make affirmation tapes inside you that are good, kind, gentle (Sometimes you can do this by writing down the negative thoughts and then physically re-writing them into positive messages)
• Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read

Alternatives for when you’re feeling panicky or scared:

• “See, hear and feel”-5 things, then 4, then 3 and countdown to one which will make you focus on your surroundings and will calm you down
• Listen to soothing music; have a CD with motivational songs that you can listen to
• Meditate or do yoga
• Name all of your soft toys
• Hug a pillow or soft toy
• Hyper focus on something
• Do a “reality check list” – write down all the things you can list about where you are now (e.g. It is the 9th November 2004, I’m a room and everything is going to be alright)
• With permission, give someone a hug
• Drink herbal tea
• Crunch ice
• Hug a tree
• Go for a walk if it’s safe to do so
• Feel your pulse to prove you’re alive
• Go outside and attempt to catch butterflies or lizards
• Put your feet firmly on the floor
• Accept where you are in the process. Beating yourself up, only makes it worse
• Touch something familiar/safeLeave the room
• Lay on your back in bed comfortably (eyes closed), and breathe in for 4, hold for 2, out for 4, hold for 2. Make sure to fill your belly up with air, not your chest. If your shoulders are going up, keep working on it. When you’re comfortable breathing, put your hand on your belly and rub up and down in time with your breathing. If your mind wanders to other things, move it back to focusing ONLY on the synchronized movement of your hand and breathing.
• Give yourself permission to…. (Keep it safe)

Alternatives that will hopefully make you think twice about harming yourself:

• Think about how you don’t want scars
• Treat yourself nicely
• Remember that you don’t have to hurt yourself just because you’re thinking about self harm
• Create a safe place to go
• Acknowledge that self harm is harmful behavior: say “I want to hurt myself” rather than “I want to cut”
• Repeat to yourself “I don’t deserve to be hurt” even if you don’t believe it
• Remember that you always have the choice not to cut: it’s up to you what you do
• Think about how you may feel guilty after self harming
• Remind yourself that the urge to self harm is impulsive: you will only feel like cutting for short bursts of time
• Avoid temptation
• Get your friends to make you friendship bracelets: wear them around your wrists to remind you of them when you want to cut
• Be with other people
• Make your own list of things to do instead of self harm
• Make a list of your positive character traits
• Be nice to your family, who in return, will hopefully be nice to you
• Put a band-aid on the area where you’d like to self harm
• Recognize and acknowledge the choices you have NOW
• Pay attention to the changes needed to make you feel safe
• Notice “choices” versus “dilemmas”
• Lose the “should-could-have to” words. Try… “What if”
• Kiss the places you want to SH or kiss the places you have healing wounds. It can be a reminder that you care about myself and that you don’t want this
• Choose your way of thinking, try to resist following old thinking patterns
• The Butterfly project- draw a butterfly on the place(s) that you would self harm and if the butterfly fades without self-harming, it means it has lived and flown away, giving a sense of achievement. Whereas if you do self-harm with the butterfly there; you will have to wash it off. If that does happen, you can start again by drawing a new one on. You can name the butterfly after someone you love.
• Write the name of a loved one [a friend, family member, or anyone else who cares about you] and write their name where you want to self harm. When you go to self harm remember how much they care and wouldn’t want you to harm yourself.
• think about what you would say to a friend who was struggling with the same things you are and try to be a good friend to yourself.
• Make a bracelet out duct tape, and put a line on it every day (Or any period of time) you go without self harm. When it’s full of lines, take it off and make a chain out of all the bracelets and hang it up somewhere where you can be reminded of your great progress.

Alternatives that give the illusion of seeing something similar to blood:

• Draw on yourself with a red pen or body paint, or go to a site such as this, where you ‘cut’ the screen (be aware that some users may find this triggering, so view with caution)
• Cover yourself with plasters where you want to cut
• Give yourself a henna or fake tattoo
• Make “wounds” with makeup, like lipstick
• Take a small bottle of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by dropping it into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place you want to cut. Draw the bottle in a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food color trickle out.
• Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice that you’ve made by dropping six or seven drops of red food color into each of the ice-cube tray wells.
• Paint yourself with red tempera paint.
• ‘Cut’ your skin with nail polish (it feels cold, but it’s hard to get off)

Alternatives to help you sort through your feelings:

• Phone a friend and talk to them
• Make a collage of how you feel
• Negotiate with yourself
• Identify what is hurting so bad that you need to express it in this way
• Write your feelings in a diary
• Free write (Write down whatever you’re thinking at that moment, even if it doesn’t make sense)
• Make lists of everything such as blessings in your life
• Make a notebook of song lyrics that you relate to
• Call a hotline
• Write a letter to someone telling them how you feel (but you don’t have to send it if you decide not to)
• Start a grateful journal where everyday you write down three: good things that happened/ things that you accomplished/ are grateful for/ made you smile. Make sure the journal is strictly for positive things. Then when you feel down you can go back and look at it.

Books:

• Bodies Under Siege: Self-Mutilation and Body Modification in Culture and Psychiatry By Armando R. Favazza
• Bodily Harm: The Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers By Karen Conterio
• A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain By Marilee Strong
• Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation By Steven Levekron
• The Scarred Soul: Understanding & Ending Self-Inflicted Violence By Tracy Alderman
• Secret Scars: Uncovering and Understanding the Addiction of Self-Injury By V.J. Turner
• Self Injury: Psychotherapy with People Who Engage in Self-Inflicted Violence By Robin Connors
• Skin Game: A Cutter’s Memoir By Caroline Kettlewell
• Women and Self-Harm: Understanding, Coping, and Healing from Self-Mutilation By Gerrilyn Smith
• Women Living with Self-Injury By Jane Wegscheider Hyman
• Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Teens Who Cut & Self-Injure

(via bubonickitten)

My right leg has felt more sensitive than my left leg for about a week now. If this turns out to be nerve damage or lymphodema or what-have-you I am going to flip a nut because that’s pretty high on my list of “things I don’t need right now”.

Yesterday I getting to my chair with a Zimmer frame was an achievement, the day before I started coughing in my chair, panicked and hyperventilated and ended up having to check I didn’t have a blood clot in my lung or something. Recovery is amazing. Still feels like my poor tum is stretched to breaking point, hope that changes when the stiches come out or something.

I’m sitting in a chair with most of my wires now unplugged. I really did feel like a christmas tree in ICU, I was hooked up to pulse monitors on my chest and feet, 4 lines in my right arm and hand, a central line in my neck, arm cuff for my blood pressure, gastro nasal tube for reducing my stomach acid so I was less likely to vomit, oxygen mask, catheter, 2 drains and an epidural in my back. I was getting some kinda opiate painkiller, for a bit I got my very own drugs button to administer that which I shouldn’t have found funny but did anyway. Also a lot of fluids and antibiotics after it turned out I had a bit of a chest infection. And I was under a “bearhugger” which is a kind of blanket that blows warm air at you to keep you warm because I was violently shivering when I came round. Now all I have is the central line in my neck (didn’t realise it was a 5 way port thing sticking out of my neck and actually sewn to it until yesterday!) and my catheter, which is annoying and uncomfortable.  Also not cool going for walks with a giant bag of your own pee dangling off your zimmer frame!

Actually going under was a bit of a non-experience. I was freaking out about the epidural, so they gave me some liquid Valium to calm me, then got the epidural in (unpleasant) then gave me some other stuff at which point I started seeing two of everything and I don’t remember the exact point at which I passed out. Next thing I knew, I was dimly aware of being extremely sore and someone calling my name to wake me.

The scar is a big ‘un. Goes down as far as possible really and up almost to my ribs. Difficult for the first few days because it feels stretched and distended to a very uncomfortable extent. Also the obvious pain of having a large amount of tummy opened up and then stitched back together again. The good news is I got sutures rather than staples so it’ll look comparatively neat when it heals. No problem with infection or anything so far.

Even on the first day I had physio telling me I had to get out of bed and get into a chair. That was pretty agonizing, but I managed it after about half an hour. Amazing the things you realise you take for granted when you lose it. I’m only just getting to the point where I can move myself around in bed to get comfortable, and I’m still stuck sleeping on my back. Today I even went on a little walk with a zimmer frame and tomorrow I reckon I could go without. Everyone finds it hilarious that I have a zimmer frame…

Finally eating again! The last proper meal I had was pizza at my friend’s house on Tuesday (we had a pizza and Mario Kart party, hell yeah!). If you know me, you know I don’t pass up food too easily. Because the surgery involved surgeons sticking their great cloth mitts in my gut, it freaked out (this is pretty usual) and wasn’t taking anything apart from water for a few days. Even too much water made me throw up. But a couple days ago I had a ribena and some chicken broth, yesterday a Fortisip milkshake (served in a Martini glass, lol!), today I had some porridge and a bread roll and some dried fruit, so things are definitely looking up! Really hungry but still only managing tiny portions, I’ve visibly lost weight over the past few days. Although my tummy still resembles a balloon because it’s all swollen up, and will be for a couple weeks.

I also gotta wear compression socks for the next few months to prevent my leg swelling cos I’ve lost lymph nodes. I got way too excited at the idea that they came in a range of colours. Purple socks for me! The bad news is that someone let slip that I’ll probably have to do more chemo. Not as much as last time but a couple of rounds. Made me tear up a bit because I was so happy when I thought I’d never have to have that poison again, but I’m okay, just gonna change my goals for the next few months and stay positive.

Spending most of my time sleeping and chatting with guests, I’ve had lots of lovely people come in to visit :) Today’s been the first day I’ve managed a prolonged computer session, was just too tired before! Been on Pottermore of course, my welcome email arrived right on time so that’s been awesome. I’ll keep posting if anything else happens, but it looks like I might only be here a couple more days with the speed I’m recovering!

For those interested, I’ve taken a picture of the scar and drain wounds under dressings.

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I’ve made a lot of progress. Over the weekend I was too tired to manage much apart from slumping in front of screens nursing my mouth ulcers and chemo burns. I definitely had more severe side effects this time round (if you discount how I got in the second round where my counts were totally knocked out after I picked up a cough). Mouth’s going to take a while to heal up and in the mean time it hurts to eat, I talk funny and everything tastes of metal. Woooo!

However, 3 days ago I started out at the gym. The first day I managed about 5 lengths with a lot of resting between each one. The next day I took my time over it but managed 24 lengths. Then today I put my gym kit on and did 20 minutes on the cross trainer, stretches and a lot of time doing light weights, followed by a few more lengths in the pool. I spent almost 4 hours there! My diet is also working well and I’m not finding it as hard going as I did initially. Going to try a beginners pilates class on Friday, and apart from a few twinges from my neulasta injection (blood booster, bones don’t like being forced to make extra white blood…) everything is pretty awesome right now! Made more awesome by Pride coming up on Saturday and my friend’s birthday on Sunday where I’ll see a lot of very lovely friends I haven’t seen for ages :)

I’ve just spent the last 10 weeks taking in poison, what do I have to show for it?

I’m lying round the house at the moment feeling pretty poisonous. I’m tired but sleeping fitfully from this poison taking a jab at me every now and again, and also because of the hot flushes. I’ll be sitting there minding my own business and then I notice a couple beads sweat on my face and temples and think “uh-oh”. Then grit my teeth through 3 minutes of own personal sauna time.

I’ve got no hair on my head, just a bit of stubblefuzz has grown back from when I clean shaved my head about a month or so back. Eyebrows are thinner, leg hair thinner, pit hair gone. Arm hair mysteriously intact apart from a couple random patches.

Chemo brain is in full effect, talking to me is like talking to someone who has had a couple spliffs but perhaps with less giggling. I also have the munchies to go with that, thanks to the steroids they prescribe me to keep nausea at bay. Taking 12 pills a day to stop me from being sick. Then my blood thinner injection (I still have an alarmingly large bag of these to get through) to get rid of the clots formed around my PICC line I had to have out a couple weeks back, and filgrastim injection to give my white blood cell making system a kick up the ass.

Chemo burns on the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. These drugs are literally burning my skin from the inside of my body out.

I’m a mess of marks, bruises and dots on my arms and hands from blood taking and canulas. Purple stretch marks all across from hip to hip etched out by two tumours and comfort eating.

I guess at this point all I really want is my body and my life back and I’m going to have to work at that even. I’m watching what I eat so I can fit comfortably back into my clothes. As soon as I’m able I am going to the gym to start building my strength back up. Even then I’ve been told that it’ll be months before I’m even halfway back to normal. As for summer plans, even that is difficult because of “Wait and See”. I have no idea when or if I will need surgery until after my final scan and the consultation with a surgeon in mid July. Until then making plans for anything is risky because I need to allow for having and recovering from this…just in case. Predictably, leaving all planning until after that point will make the things I want to do much more expensive because that’s what happens when you book things late.

I am also still dealing with the benefits system. People who are too sick to work or study get sickness benefit, unless apparently if you were a student in which case you have to dance for the benefits office first. Right. I also have to grovel to my uni to waive the half year of fees where I was too ill to be in lectures or that’ll be even more money going out the window. And I don’t even know what’s happening with my student loan and stuff but it’s likely to be messy and complicated.

TL;DR

Fuck you, Cancer

The physiotherapist told me that I could only be halfway back to normal fitness levels by September, and that’s with hard work involved. Soon as I have enough strength and I no longer feel like I’m being poisoned I’m cutting out all junk food and hitting the gym. I want to feel healthy again.

Stupid Firefox…

In other news, I’m home and feeling very washed out! But also well enough to be eating all the food I can get my hands on (lol, steroids do that to you…) and off to watch POTC with friends in a bit. Yay!

Eh, chemo brain.

Tonight I made apple and berry crumble, then had it for dessert before eating dinner (Thai takeaway, ahhh best food ever)

My Dad is listening to house music and marking coursework for his students. There is nothing on the TV despite it being Friday night. My Mum was asleep a couple minutes ago but she has now gone to bed after expressing her worries to me about my cough, which still hasn’t gone.

I’m beginning to feel like there’s nothing at the moment. I just have to keep on waiting to get better. Like the next few months is just splashed over with a giant neon scrawl that reads RECOVER.

I have some really wonderful friends and family who are helping me get through this, but when I am at lows I really feel like I don’t deserve their time. And I feel as though I may be drifting away from some people because I’m getting like a stuck record: “Cancer this, cancer that”, all the time. I don’t want people to have to take that, I don’t think they should, but I guess that is what they are getting at the moment. And for that I am sorry.

I also owe you Daily Hair, day 13.

Here is me and my very non-muscular bicep/PICC bandage.

Rawrr.

Blegh. It was very hard to get up this morning. My throat and chest feel pretty bruised from a lot of coughing and I’m starting to get the aches from the chemo doing it’s work. I also checked my weight and that’s starting to drop as well. Gotta get into a thing of drinking tonnes of water because I suspect that helps with feeling less poison-y.

On my second last day in the hospital there was a woman on trials in the bed next to me. She didn’t know what her primary cancer was any more. She was a methodist minister, but originally a computer scientist. I don’t know if it was the religion or just being a certain type of person but she was so incredibly positive. It was quite inspirational. She told me to do the water thing, and also advised me to eat liver and drink a bottle of Guinness every night to keep my counts up.

Spent the last couple of hours sitting in the kitchen with my Mum, just talking about life and stuff.

I’ve let myself slip away a lot over the last month. All of what’s going on has made me forget to take care of myself. To sort this I’m drawing up a mental list of nice things to do in the next week. It feels good because it’s easy to tunnel-vision in on RECOVER FROM CHEMO when I could do lots of things to feel good instead.

I’m going to get organised in general, get all the little ends tied up in terms of where my post gets sent and that.

I’m going to go through the tidal wave of bags on my bedroom floor. Because at some point I need to stop “camping” in my own bedroom. Because so far all that has been done is the contents of my hall room was scooped into bags in no particular order and has remained like that since.

In an ideal world, this step would be totally unnecessary, but I need to get my legs waxed if I would like to get my legs out and not attract weird looks.

Maybe get a pedicure because a) my feet are a state and b) I have vouchers :)

I would then like to buy nice summery clothes so I can flounce around and feel pretty.

Get out and spend time with the people I love.

The last couple of days, everywhere I have cancer has been sore. Just now my brain made the connection between this and how it means the cancer is dying.

This is good.