I was trying to numb my mouth with the coldness of the water.
This gif is an accurate enough dramatic representation of what happened.
Thank you very much :)
It’s gonna be so good.
I’ve just spent the last 10 weeks taking in poison, what do I have to show for it?
I’m lying round the house at the moment feeling pretty poisonous. I’m tired but sleeping fitfully from this poison taking a jab at me every now and again, and also because of the hot flushes. I’ll be sitting there minding my own business and then I notice a couple beads sweat on my face and temples and think “uh-oh”. Then grit my teeth through 3 minutes of own personal sauna time.
I’ve got no hair on my head, just a bit of stubblefuzz has grown back from when I clean shaved my head about a month or so back. Eyebrows are thinner, leg hair thinner, pit hair gone. Arm hair mysteriously intact apart from a couple random patches.
Chemo brain is in full effect, talking to me is like talking to someone who has had a couple spliffs but perhaps with less giggling. I also have the munchies to go with that, thanks to the steroids they prescribe me to keep nausea at bay. Taking 12 pills a day to stop me from being sick. Then my blood thinner injection (I still have an alarmingly large bag of these to get through) to get rid of the clots formed around my PICC line I had to have out a couple weeks back, and filgrastim injection to give my white blood cell making system a kick up the ass.
Chemo burns on the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. These drugs are literally burning my skin from the inside of my body out.
I’m a mess of marks, bruises and dots on my arms and hands from blood taking and canulas. Purple stretch marks all across from hip to hip etched out by two tumours and comfort eating.
I guess at this point all I really want is my body and my life back and I’m going to have to work at that even. I’m watching what I eat so I can fit comfortably back into my clothes. As soon as I’m able I am going to the gym to start building my strength back up. Even then I’ve been told that it’ll be months before I’m even halfway back to normal. As for summer plans, even that is difficult because of “Wait and See”. I have no idea when or if I will need surgery until after my final scan and the consultation with a surgeon in mid July. Until then making plans for anything is risky because I need to allow for having and recovering from this…just in case. Predictably, leaving all planning until after that point will make the things I want to do much more expensive because that’s what happens when you book things late.
I am also still dealing with the benefits system. People who are too sick to work or study get sickness benefit, unless apparently if you were a student in which case you have to dance for the benefits office first. Right. I also have to grovel to my uni to waive the half year of fees where I was too ill to be in lectures or that’ll be even more money going out the window. And I don’t even know what’s happening with my student loan and stuff but it’s likely to be messy and complicated.
Fuck you, Cancer